What am I supposed to do when...?

Hello… it’s been a bit of a break since I last wrote.

I’ve been intending to share regular reflections here on the blog as a way to offer a tool, a little inspiration, or a reminder for the parents and caregivers who follow my work and who have supported my book. I’ve also been trying to stay connected with my readers along the way. And if anyone is like me, sometimes we need a reminder to actually read the book we bought, because we bought it for a reason and there’s often a message in it that could be exactly what we need to hear.

The truth is, I was having a really hard time with my sense of self-worth.

I had received some unexpected and disappointing news that brought up a lot of past grief for me. Grief I didn’t know still needed processing. I collapsed under the weight of it all and found myself sleepwalking through my life, feeling very sad and sorry for myself, and very alone.

On top of that, understanding my personality traits through exploring the enneagram helped me see that I was stuck in some unhealthy patterns.

For an enneagram 7, that can look very much like avoiding painful and uncomfortable feelings by distracting myself with fun things.

So what did I do that was so much fun it helped me block out the pain?

“Grief seems to create losses within us that reach beyond our awareness -

we feel as if we're missing something that was invisible and unknown to us while we had it, but is now painfully gone.”
— Brené Brown, Rising Strong

So what did I do that was so much fun it helped me block out the pain?

How I Danced Through the Pain

I performed on my former island home at the biggest and best event of island life, Dangardigras.

I was part of an unsynchronised fish swim team, and later in the evening I dressed up as Sebastian the crab and performed “Under the Sea”

with Ariel and Flounder.

It was SO much fun. It brought joy and laughter into my life. But most importantly, it gave me a sense of community and belonging.

And that is what I was truly grieving.

I hadn’t allowed myself to grieve the loss of that community since selling my Montessori school and immigrating to Australia almost four years ago.

So here I am, sharing my reality with you and opening a doorway for you to enter with me if you will.

“You can be both healing from your past and hopeful for your future -

your heart is allowed to hold grief and joy in the same breath,

learning to dance between pain and possibility.”
— Balt Rodriguez

What am I supposed to do when...?

In Chapter 9 of my book, The Parenthood Puzzle, I explore discipline through the Puzzle Pieces of PEACE.

Recently I was reminded just how powerful this framework can be when I experienced the PEACE Process show up in my parenting with my teenage son.

In the same week, I also taught this framework to a class of parents training to become parent coaches. There were 20 people in that room preparing to go out into their communities and offer this reframe on discipline to more parents and caregivers.

This matters.

Because if we are going to raise children who become peacemakers and peacekeepers in the future, we need new ways of understanding discipline and responding to challenging behaviours.

Our social constructs, no matter where you are in the world, have too many parents asking the same question:

What am I supposed to do when…?

Parents search through parenting books.
They listen to experts.
They consult therapists and coaches.
They meet with teachers and principals.

All trying to find the answer.

I know this because I am one of those parents.

I am a mum who has asked that question and searched for expert advice to tell me what to do and what to say because I had no clue and no confidence in my own understanding.

Today I’m a parent coach and a published author. After many years of practicing, teaching, and training the 12 Week Transformational Parenting Program, I still ask the question.

But now I seek the answer within myself.

That doesn’t mean I don’t turn to trusted friends or mentors. I still reach out to my own parent coach. I still refer to my favourite books on child development, neuroscience, nervous system science, communication, and emotional intelligence.

Sometimes we need a wider perspective because we know our own viewpoint can be narrow.

But the difference now is that I take what I learn and measure it against my own values.

Against who my child is.
Against what I know about their unique needs.
Against my own capacity and resources.

Because it is easy to give advice.

It is much harder to understand another person’s internal experience.

Over the past few weeks I have found myself asking this same question again and again.

The Questions That Kept Me Awake

What am I supposed to do when I doubt my own worth?
What am I supposed to do when I am paralysed by uncertainty and fear?
What am I supposed to do when I don’t feel like doing anything because I don’t see the value in it?
What am I supposed to do when I find out that my child has kept secrets from me?
What am I supposed to do when my child tells me he is in trouble?
What am I supposed to do when I can barely keep myself regulated and my child needs to borrow my calm and rely on my presence?

My list of What am I supposed to do when…? questions could go on for another page.

But I hope you get the sense of my humanity in these questions.

Because the truth is that parenting, and being human, is not about always having the answers.

Sometimes it’s about being willing to sit with the question.

And from this honest place, I want to invite you to share some of your own What am I supposed to do when…? moments.

I would love to start a series that explores these questions. Not to give perfect answers, but to create a space where parents can feel seen, heard, understood, empathised with and encouraged.

If you feel open to sharing one of your questions, I would love to hear from you.

Reply with your question/questions - I'm genuinely curious to hear them.

Because sometimes the most powerful thing we can offer each other as parents is not advice.

It is the reminder that we are not alone.

If you’ve found yourself asking questions like these in your own parenting journey, you might find some helpful perspectives in my book,

The Parenthood Puzzle. In it, I explore frameworks and tools, including the Puzzle Pieces of PEACE, to help parents navigate challenging moments with clarity, confidence, and compassion.

It’s a companion for those times when you’re asking, What am I supposed to do when…?